


sex (catching feelings)

by monyaka



Category: Kill Your Boss (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Slow Burn, Stream of Consciousness, some logan/alex but not enough to tag it as such
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:33:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27462010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monyaka/pseuds/monyaka
Summary: you reminded me of myself. not because we were abandoned, not because we were used. it was because of the way your stomach clenched when i touched you, the way you looked at me like you were blind to anyone else but me — i’m the same. but i didn’t love you. i didn’t want you. i wanted him. did you know that, too? when you looked at me, did you know i was harris’ man before i was yours? did you know that i loved him, even still? did you know that i was a wreck every time his fingers touched me? did you know that his voice made my knees give out?did you know?
Relationships: Alex Miller/Riam Zimmer
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	sex (catching feelings)

**Author's Note:**

> !!! CONTENT WARNINGS FOR THIS FIC INCLUDE: bodily injury, suicidal thoughts/behaviours, physical violence, sexual content, human trafficking, mentions of sexual assault/dubious consent !!!
> 
> there will also be spoilers for riam's route and his ending in this work.

did you know? when you told me you would make me into anything i wanted, i wished to be anyone else. i just wanted to stop being who i am. a cold person. a selfish person. an unloving person. 

everyone else in my life loved so easily. hailey truly believed in storybook romances. she liked to hold flowers to her nose and imagine a beautiful meadow to lie in. she glued herself to unrealistic movies, knowing they were ridiculous but indulging in the fantasy anyway. noah and i had only spent three days together, but that was enough for him to devote himself to me for seven years. and logan… logan always wanted to possess me, from the very first moment he laid eyes on me. even aria believed, somewhat, in love. i didn’t know how they did it. how they could plunge themselves headfirst into an ideal. how they could make a decision and be sure it was the right one when no one was around to give them an order.

to me, love wasn’t a comfort. it was an expectation. if i hadn’t thought that before, i learned it well from working under logan. i’d follow him around like a lapdog, someone would find me attractive, and i’d be forced to fuck them. logan liked me, found me interesting, and so he’d touch me, watch me change clothes, kill those i was close to so he would be the only one left for me to love. love isn’t devotion, it’s a transaction. an expectation. someone looks at you, wants you, does things for you. all so that you’ll  _ love them back _ . did you know that i hate when people want me to love them back? is that why you lied to me?

you told me i was your fetish, but you listened to my business advice. you told me you were only interested in my body, but you held me when i was afraid. you told me we were the same, but you never got angry with me, not even once. you told me you didn’t believe in petty things like love, but then you looked at me with those eyes that seemed to peel back all the barriers i’d put up. you saw me. naked. vulnerable. broken. 

i never felt like logan had seen me. i was never sure what he was thinking behind his reptilian eyes. i didn’t know if he knew who i really was, if he would find out. i didn’t know if he loved me or just wanted to possess me. i liked it there, in that uncertainty. i had no choice but to stay close to him, and for seven years, we only had each other. it’s hard to hate someone for so long, hard to choose to be alone for so long. and that’s how we grew to be something. something undefined, but meaningful. i liked it that way. i liked knowing that he was somewhat important, but never knowing fully what it was that we felt for each other.

you’re not like him. you made me think i knew where i stood. you made me think i was an object for your sexual pleasure, made me think you were some kind of perverted asshole. and just like that, i trusted you. because i’d thought there’s no reason to lie about something so humiliating. but you did, didn’t you? did you know that i wouldn’t have believed you if you said you were helping me out of altruism? was it aria that had fed you my sister’s name? did you use it, knowing she was my weakness?

at least with logan, i knew what i was being used for. and that’s why i hated you.

did you know? did you know that i hated you? i’ve never been interested in being someone’s master, but it was easy to dominate you. it was easy to choke you, to hit you, to push you around in any way i wanted. i liked that you never used safe words, because i didn’t want to respect them. i didn’t want to respect you. because when we had sex, you weren’t the riam zimmer who had tortured logan and noah, nor the powerful businessman with the high rank and commanding voice. you were a little bitch. you were  _ my _ little bitch, moaning out my name like a confession and a prayer, and i felt powerful. 

did you know? i thought about logan while i fucked you. i was thinking about him the whole time. i looked at our grotesque bodies reflected in the mirror and i thought about how i was logan’s dog before i was yours. and i wondered if you were going to betray me like he did. i wondered if you wanted to make me cry like he did. i wondered if it was going to be the same as it always was, if i was always going to feel this hollow.

but i knew. i knew it wasn’t the same. with you, i had no mission. with you, i could bite and bark and you would smile with that cruel gleam in your eye. with you, i knew that when you looked at me, you saw me for who i was. you knew how ugly i was. you knew i was a betrayer. you knew i was broken. but you wanted me anyway.

_ did _ you want me? or did you pretend? how many layers of deceit had you put on? i thought you’d opened up to me when you peeled off your muffler and placed it too delicately on my shoulders. did you know? it smelled like you, and i wore it over the collar on my neck because i wanted a prettier reminder of the riam i knew. the riam i  _ thought _ i knew. 

i wanted you dead, too. did you know? i wished, desperately, madly, with the bomb around my neck and your belongings broken and strewn across your bedroom, that you would die. suddenly, and without notice. no, better yet, for you to have never existed at all. without you in the equation, logan would have succeeded grayson, and i would be able to go home. if you didn’t exist, i thought, i wouldn’t feel so hollow. but i didn’t really wish for that, did i? no… what i wished for, really and truly, was to never have met you at all. i wanted us to be parallel lines living our own lives, not intersected and fucking like dogs in heat. i wished that you had never looked at me with your penetrating stare, that you had never offered me a job, that you had never told me that you would protect me. i wished that you had never shown me what your face looked like when you wanted me. i wished that you’d never held onto me when i reached out to you, never told me to breathe, never told me i was safe.

was that part of your plan, to make me feel safe? what about when you told me i belonged to you? when you bought me like i was nothing more than a human slave, was that to win me over, too? did you humiliate me, pretend i was nothing more than a sex toy or a perfect master, just so i could feel safe in your arms? so i could feel powerful when i fucked you? so i’d think you bought me because you’re a kinky bastard and not because you wanted to turn me over to aria? how far did you plan this? how much did you know?

_ “...ch do you know?” _

_ “what?” _

_ “...how much do you know?” _

he’d pulled my pants down roughly, and, drowning in indecision, all i could think was: i love him. at some point, he’d become my everything. him, and aria, and hailey. but not you. i didn’t love you. the second time we met, when i saw you at the club and walked in, when you sat on my waist and angled my head back and kissed me deeply. did you know logan was jealous? did you know he threw a bottle at the wall at the sight of my face? i was red all the way down to my neck, thinking about you. about your engulfing kiss. but he didn’t need to be jealous. he was the one i loved, not you.

there wasn’t a single moment that i loved you. not when your face came to mind as water filled my lungs, not when i painstakingly made you a birthday cake, not when i wiped away your tears, not when you kissed me like i was made of porcelain instead of silicone. 

so when? when did it happen? when did i get attached to your intelligent eyes and your careful hands? when did i start to understand you? when did i start to trust you? they say that people start to develop feelings after they’ve been physically intimate with each other. i think that’s a load of crap. because you’ve been fucked by hundreds of people in that disgusting club you go to, but i can tell they all fade from your vision the moment i step into the room.

you reminded me of myself. not because we were abandoned, not because we were used. it was because of the way your stomach clenched when i touched you, the way you looked at me like you were blind to anyone else but me — i’m the same. but i didn’t love you. i didn’t want you. i wanted him. did you know that, too? when you looked at me, did you know i was harris’ man before i was yours? did you know that i loved him, even still? did you know that i was a wreck every time his fingers touched me? did you know that his voice made my knees give out?

did you know? when you let down your guard and showed me your brokenness, i felt no desire to protect you. it would have been easier if you’d ordered me to be your saviour. i would have continued to hate you. i would have continued to ignore the way my heart beat when you looked at me. i would have betrayed you. because i’m a selfish person. i’m not a saviour. i haven’t saved a single person in my life.

_ let me, _ you said.  _ let me save you. _

i’m special, you said. i’m the one who pushes you away. i’m special, because i don’t want you. because your shitty father didn’t want you. and you could feel it, couldn’t you? that when i fucked you, i hated your guts. i thought you were disgusting. i wanted you dead. i was thinking of him.  _ when you’re constantly rejected by one person, you end up only wanting that person. _

i wanted to tell you that you were pitiful for wanting me, whether it was as a sex doll or as a lover. i wanted to tell you that you didn’t need to take a bullet for me. i wanted to tell you that you didn’t need a double-sided coin to own me. but we both know that if i told you that, i’d be lying. because you executed your plan perfectly.

you made me trust you. you made me think we were nothing, spouting off crap about how you always treat your stuff well. you put a bomb around my neck. you made me let my guard down, tell you about my nightmares, ask you to help me find hailey. you told me about your family. you took a bullet for me, told me to run and leave you behind. and the whole time, i thought i hated you. i thought i was using you. i thought i was powerful with my handcuffs and my leash.

did you plan this? did you plan for me to hate you, to think you were a possessive bastard when you put the bomb around my neck? did you know that aria would have planted a bug under my skin if you hadn’t marked me as yours? did you know that i would never have understood your plans if you’d been honest about them? when you said you cared about me, did you know that i’d think it was a lie? when you looked at me for the first time, when i grabbed your ass and you pulled a gun on me; when you looked at me — what the fuck did you see? how much did you fucking know just from one time that we locked eyes? what do you see in me?  _ what do you see? _

for a  _ year _ you took care of me. in your wheelchair, with your cane. when you were supposed to be  _ resting _ , when i was supposed to  _ care _ for you, i  _ abandoned _ you. i stayed in the room that  _ you _ cleaned for me. you made me hot meals, and i would smack the plate to the ground. i wouldn’t walk to the bathroom, so you’d carry me on your bad leg. you fell once, and i said,  _ serves you right, bastard. _ and you’d smiled so bitterly and dragged me on your spotless floors for the rest of the way. and i’d laughed hoarsely, and i’d sobbed, and you’d continued to drag me on the leg that you’d broken to protect me. why did you even fucking bother?

when the building came crumbling around us, i closed my eyes against your chest. and i dreamed. a dream of lying on the dry desert, staring at the empty air. i dreamed about the face you made when you came. i dreamed about the way your body convulsed when i touched you, like an earthquake was trapped in your bones. i dreamed about the way you told me to trust you after you’d blown off the head of a police officer. i dreamed about the feeling of your wet lashes against my palm. i dreamed about collapsing in aria’s apartment, and i swear i can still remember how you gripped me while i was unconscious. and i felt at peace. i could only feel your arms, strong and tight around me. i couldn’t hear anything except for your voice, soft in my ear.  _ i love you. _

_ i don’t, _ i’d thought.  _ i can’t. _

but i do. i never knew what it felt like to have love fill you to the brim. i never knew what it was like to love someone without hating them. i thought it didn’t exist, that the storybook tale of love was a lie. maybe it was me, that i was too broken to ever let it brush my fingertips. but then it did.  _ you _ did. i dreamed, and your fingertips touched mine. i’d wondered, once, if you would leap in to save me if i were drowning. i awoke to the sound of your voice, and i felt it. nausea filled me to the brim. as i emptied my stomach, as tears sprung to my eyes and made them red, i thought about you. about your hand on my back, about the way you brushed my hair aside, about the soft, reassuring tones of your voice.

and i knew what this feeling was.

i felt it in our quiet moments, when you laid your hand so carefully on my cheek. when you kissed me like someone asking permission. when i leaned my head against your shoulder. when you called for a car to take me home. when you made time every day to prepare me a warm meal. you fell for me and asked for nothing in return. you cared for me not because i was sweet, not because i was your fetish, not even because we were similar. you cared for me so that you could save me. so that you could give me the freedom i had wanted for my entire life. you knew how scared i was, so you stayed. you knew that i needed someone, so you stayed. selflessly, kindly. 

did you know? i felt guilty. i wanted to be someone else, someone who gives back, someone who isn’t selfish, someone who isn’t unfair and one-sided. i wanted to be you, mature and practical and sure of himself. i wanted to be you, pathetic and blind and stupidly in love. and if i couldn’t be you, if i couldn’t be anyone else, i wanted to close my eyes and let the world fade into the deep black of dreamless sleep. i wanted to decompose and let my breathing body become a corpse. but when i did, i had to wonder. what would become of you then? i’d pressed the gun against my head and your eyes had gone so wide. you’d gone to such great lengths to protect an asshole like me. what would you do if i’d ended it here?

i didn’t want to know. and that’s why i didn’t pick up a gun. that’s why i stayed in bed and cried into my pillow. that’s why i decided to live as an empty shell. because i knew that over time, you would fill me. i want to say it’s selfish, but maybe that was the first selfless thing i did. because the only thing you’ve ever asked of me is to let you save me. i didn’t want to be saved. i wanted to die. but i let you do it. i let your arms hold me tight against your chest. i hid my face in your clothes and breathed in your scent. i waited for time to piece me together again.

so i could love you.

not because i had to, or because you wanted me to. just because i did. just because i wanted to. i’d licked away your tears and you’d told me it was unlike me to be sweet. you were right. you always are. and you’d asked me why i’d done it, and i’d said: just because i wanted to. i’m not the romantic guy who sweeps you off your feet. i’m a jackass, and i do what i feel like. and i feel like loving you. i feel like cherishing you. for the first time, i’m doing exactly what i want to.

so i’ll kiss constellations onto your back. i’ll drown you in adoration. i’ll share life with you, moment by moment. i’ll pull you in by your tie and tuck one of the roses you bought for me into your blazer. i’ll bump your hip with mine while we try to make pasta from scratch. i’ll smile and compliment you like it’s a joke, and you’ll flush deep red because you know it’s not. 

the two of us will laugh under a clear blue sky, and when i inch closer and lay my head on your shoulder, i will do it as a free man.


End file.
